It’s Coming To An End

“Sowing Season (Yeah)” – Brand New

Was losing all my friends.
Was losing them to drinking and to driving.
Was losing all my friends, but I got them back.

 I am on the mend.
At least now I can say that I am trying.
And I hope you will forget things I still lack.

Yeah. Yeah.

Is it in you now,
To bear to hear the truth that you have spoken?
Twisted up by knaves,
To make a trap for fools.

Is it in you now,
To watch the things you gave your life to broken?
And stoop and build them up with warn out tools.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. (Oh.)
Yeah.

Nothing gets so bad,
A whisper from your father couldn’t fix it.
Your whisper’s like a bridge, he’s a river span.

Take all that you have,
And turn it into something you were missing.
Somebody threw that brick, shattered all your plans.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. (Oh.)
Yeah.

Time to get the seeds into the cold ground.
It takes a while to grow anything,
Before it’s coming to the end, yeah.

Before you put my body in the cold ground,
Take some time to warm it with your hand,
Before it’s coming to an end, yeah.

It’s coming to an end, yeah.
It’s coming to an end, yeah.

Do you miss the blend,
Colors she left in your black and white field?
Do you feel condemned just being there?

I am not your friend.
I am just a man who knows how to feel.
I am not your friend.
I’m not your lover.
I’m not your family.

Time to get the seeds into the cold ground.
It takes a while to grow anything,
Before it’s coming to the end, yeah.

The End of an Era

Well, it would seem that this is the end.

I’ve come a long way, I made my path regardless of if I took all the right turns or not, I essentially got out scratch free (well, almost.) But it’s done. I’ve reached the end of this long and winding road and I’ve lived to tell the tale. And boy, is it a good one. The narrative that would follow to fully divulge the events that have taken part of the past four years would need more than a blog entry. And needless to say, this blog, as well as some of my others, have told their fair share of stories. However, it would seem it’s time to close this book.

A coutdown has commenced, igniting the last 7 days of my life as I know it. After this, it changes. It is a rebirth, as unglorious as it may seem, it will eventually become what I want it to be. I never realized how hard saying goodbye can really be until you say it, and you mean it to last forever. It isn’t just a ‘see you later’, or a casual ‘talk to you soon’. This is an official, final ‘goodbye’. The one that says ‘it was nice knowing you, have a good life’. It almost sounds morbid.

I’m not sure how to fully express what I am trying to say. Here’s the main plotline. I’ve lived in this town for as long as my life has existed in the sense that it does now. The past 4 years have been about becoming who I am today. And in a week, I must leave this place. For good. And trust me, it’s a lot sooner, and more sudden, than I thought it would be. Although it was my decision, it is shocking. I’m not the type of person who can sit around and do nothing about certain situations. If I feel there’s a need for change or I need to move on, I do it. I’m not all talk. I mean business, and so, as of this morning, it was settled. Leaving myself nothing but 7 days to pack up my stuff, say my goodbyes, and never look back. I told you, I mean business.

Yet, it’s harder than it would seem. And interestingly enough, it is those who I’ve only just come to know that are more devastated about this decision, than those who I started my life with here, those that I built my life upon in the beginning. Those are the ones, that in the long run, probably won’t even know I’m gone. Not that I am expecting otherwise, more just pointing out something I noticed. Just like my time in this town may be done, it would seem so is that part of my life, now more officially than ever. It’s a shame, really. Simultaneously, as much as saying goodbye may be difficult and also, necessary, you can’t help but feel that some sort of amends would be imperative as well. However, I doubt I would get it, and why waste my last 7 days trying to amend something that, once I’m gone, won’t ever mean the same anyways.

This story has been told as it was. There are no rewrites. The ending, anti-climatic and dull, but truly, just a beginning. The start of the new era, whatever that one may hold. I can see the blank, white page before me so much clearer than I could see the life that seemed already written for me. It’s refreshing, to say the least. I’ve been through enough to know, nothing is ever the end, but I’ve also been through enough to know that sometimes, it really just is the end. Right now, I can’t make a judgment call on what this is.

The opportunities presented themselves, and I grabbed them. I seized the day, as it were. Ultimately, I have my goals in mind and I am finally, once and for all, running for them. Doing something to promote the life I know lies ahead of me, and not one that could be foretold. I’ve opened one giant door. And yet, closed one behind me. It is bittersweet. It’s been 4 years since I’ve had to say a goodbye like the kind I have to say now. Unfortunately, some are being said with a bitter heart and a sour taste that will probably linger, for awhile, until eventually it dissolves and just becomes an aftertaste of what life used to be. Hopefully sooner than later.

For now, I have 7 days, and thus, no real conclusion to discuss quite yet. Only the knowledge that, the end has started, and consequently, we are at the beginning. New. Unknown. The change I’ve wanted to succumb within myself will now unfold within my physical environment, allowing me the freedom to, rather than dream of something different, strive and live towards it. This is actually a gift. However, I’ll always be nostalgic for this place, and the years spent breathing this life that brought me to who I am today, ready to move on. Rather than be afraid, or be sad, or even be happy, I will just be, and let the New decide how I feel.

<3

When ever the sun doesn’t shine
when ever the clouds cover up the sky
I’ll be there with you
If ever the world doesn’t turn
If ever the dreams that we made all burn
I’ll still have you

And we’ll sing
’til the stardust
falls around us
and we breathe it in
Sing till tomorrow
don’t let sorrow
swallow everything

If all of the seasons were changed
And only these hours with you would remain
I won’t be afraid
Here in the shade of the stars
Say everything that’s in your heart
I’ll listen to you

And we’ll sing
’til the stardust
falls around us
and we breathe it in
Sing till tomorrow
don’t let sorrow
swallow everything

And we’re drifting away
over the waves
to where we belong
this is our song

this is our song

And we’ll sing
’til the stardust
falls around us
and we breathe it in
Sing till tomorrow
don’t let sorrow
swallow everything

Maybe?

Ok, so, I’m not too sure what I’m actually here to write about, but why not give it a shot. I would like an explanation for why I incessantly need to second guess myself. I mean, I’ll take any insight into that. For thee most part, I’m the kind of person that trusts my instincts and I’m a good judge of character. But yet, I can’t seem to really do the things I set out to do without first questioning myself. Like, what will happen if I say all the things I actually want to say to all the people I want to say them to? Am I worried about their response? What am I really worried about? For the most part, if I had to guess, I second guess myself because I’m not sure if it’s worth it. Certain things might just be a complete waste of my time to even bring up, and possibly, that’s where my second guessing comes from, but who knows.

The thing is, recently, I’ve been finding it very hard to just go with the swing of life. To just let whatever happen, happen. I feel like things happen for a reason and play out a certain way. But, when are we suppose to let this happen, or interfere. Because, if you think about it, if things are meant to happen for a reason, is it because you let it happen, or you interfere, changing the natural course of things, but yet, ultimately that was what was suppose to happen. You know, it’s like that whole Determinism vs. Free Will debate. We have the freedom to make the choices in our life, however, it’s possible that everything is predetermined. Therefore, you can take that freedom to make a choice or a change, fully exercising this Free Will, but yet, maybe, all along, it was predetermined that you would make that change and you would interfere, ultimately denying that you have any freedom in what you do at all.

Regardless, let’s get hypothetical here for a bit. If there is something that I want to do, but I keep second guessing myself and preventing me from doing said thing, is that me exercising my free will, or falling into determinism? Maybe that’s too philosophical. What I mean to say is, if everything happens for a reason, and I second guess myself and don’t do the said thing I would like to do, is that how it was meant to be? See, somehow I feel like I’m triple guessing myself now. It’s almost like a weird cycle, or an odd back-and-forth kind of dilemma that really has no answer to it.

I don’t like doubting myself. It isn’t fun. However, I could also postulate, and I just came to this realization now, that maybe I despise the idea of being vulnerable. Normally, I go with my gut and trust my instincts, and this whole doubting and second guessing is just making me feel less in control, and thus, more vulnerable. Hmm, I think I may be on to something here. But now my concern is, how much of a concern should it be that I don’t like to feel vulnerable? I’m assuming this would be a natural thing. Vulnerability can’t be something people strive for. I mean, I suppose it’s a humbling characteristic, and seeing it in other people can be a good thing, to a certain extent, but why am I so concerned with feeling vulnerable? I suppose I could argue that I’m a strong person and feeling vulnerable makes me feel weak, but I’m not one of those people who hates to show weakness. I can admit my faults. One being I had too much caffeine tonight, and now I’ve been up all night even though I work tomorrow, and have started dribbling on in my wordpress blog.

Anyways, not to digress too much, and to return to my first point, someone throw out some ideas as to why I might be second guessing so much, and acting so out of character from the person I know who trusts his instincts. And than, somehow convince me that the things I want to do are a good idea, so I can proceed with them.

The Wrong Path To The Right End

Well, it’s been a ridiculously long time since I’ve been here to write or just update in general. The amount of events that have gone by since the last time I posted anything is to an extreme amount, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to cover it all, but I’ll give it a shot. I’ve chosen this time to write something because, and if you know me well enough this won’t come as a surprise, it is a mere few hours before I embark on an amazing roadtrip adventure. So, needless to say, this involves no sleep, an insane amount of cleaning and packing, and a general constant stream of excitement that won’t necessarily dissapate for another 72 hours. I love it. I’ve missed this.

I’ve come to realize that life changes so much, and so quickly, to the point that sometimes, it is completely turned around before you realize it. In which case, it’s too late to even do anything about it. I can tell you that, in the past year, my life has changed, at least 75%. I won’t say 100%, because that would be an extreme and an exaggeration, but enough has changed that looking back seems so distant. I love change, and I embrace it. Nostalgia is an amazing feeling. Regardless of where I am now, and where others are, I’m the type of person who always looks back and sees the good, versus the bad. The memories, the happiness, the joy, it’s all there and you can’t change that. Anger, resentment, bitterness, these are all sentiments that I don’t hold. That I don’t bother with. Life is too short to hold grudges and anger.

Sometimes, I feel like, I know how to make others happy. I feel like I hold the key to some sort of life secret that others don’t quite know yet. And sometimes, my helping of trying to get people to understand this sort of happiness, is overbearing. This is something I’m aware of, and probably one of the biggest things I’ve learnt in the past year is that you have to let people make their own mistakes. Just because I’ve previously made the same mistake and learnt from it, doesn’t mean that my knowledge of the mistake, will make others avoid making the same mistakes. Because my knowledge came from making the mistake. And everyone needs to go through that same process. And some people need more time than others. I’ve learnt that it is no longer my place to help people become the person I believe them to be, and let them find out who they are for themselves.

I believe in my friends. I love them and have confidence in them. I know how far they can get in life. And it kills me when they don’t see the same. It truly bothers me to see a friend struggle with finding the simplest happiness in life. In understanding what truly is important and what isn’t. All I want to do is help them get towards this goal. However, I can’t push them there. They need to figure it out on their own. And in this past year, my quest for helping people, did not go so well. Rather, it was quite the opposite of what I hoped for everyone. I’ve wanted so many things for my friends. I wanted them to have the perfect wedding, because I truly believe they’ve found love. I wanted them to understand that being alone can bring the greatest happiness. I wanted them to realize that lying is not a way to make friends, or to keep them. I wanted them to realize that it is important to appreciate the way friends help each other out in times of need. I wanted them to realize that they could fulfill all their dreams as long as they put their minds to it, and believe in themselves the way I believe in them. I wanted them to understand that sometimes, friendship needs to be selfless.

But, it’s not my job to teach them these things, or make sure that everything works out perfectly. And that is what I learnt this year.

In the end, regardless of the amounts of turmoil and drama that has surrounded the past year, I truly hope everyone gets to the point they want to be at. As for myself, I am definitely getting there. And that’s the thing, if I haven’t yet reached the point where I want to be, I can’t expect others to be there yet neither.

The thing is, throughout it all, I’ve been happy. I am happy. I don’t think that I ever stopped being happy this entire past year. And I know that, the people who I wished nothing except the best for, probably wish I was far from being happy. And I get it. I don’t expect anything else, really. Somehow, these people, the ones I believed in, have manifested feelings of hate. I can’t say if they are towards me, or situations, or what, but I can’t deny the fact that this has been a result of this past year. And to be completely honest, I couldn’t really tell you how we all got to this point, but what I can say is that I don’t think that it wasn’t meant to happen. Things play out a certain way for a reason, and I will not argue with that. I accept it.

My life is in progress and I am loving where I am at, and I am loving where it is going to take me. I am not a victim, nor am I perpetrator. I didn’t ask for any of this to happen, but I also can’t say that I deserve pity towards whatever happened to me. Really, it’s neither. Everything I have in my life right now, I would never give up on. They are the most important things to me in my entire life. And I will be completely honest in saying that somethings I might have lost along the way, those things that I have a connection towards, the things and people who defined who I am, I have found back along the way. I don’t want to say that I’ve reverted back to the person I was a year ago, but I’ve come to remember what it was about me a year ago that was so amazing, and I’ve realized that that person needs to mould with the person I am now.

I don’t know how it looks like from the outside, but if this is coming off like I came to a realization suddenly, as if, an epiphany due to recent events in the past month, I’d like to state that it’s really not about that. And for the record, however it went down, was due to either a misunderstanding, or what I am going to call a quarter life crisis (and not mine, in case you were wondering). Sometimes, certain things just become, un-fun. I mean, it sucks, and its life, but you cannot deny the fact that, sometimes, the fun of certain things just ends. And really, for no reason in particular. And my point is that, there doesn’t need to be a reason. We don’t need to come up with some egotistic, homophobic, or cowardly reason for why it is no longer fun. I can admit when things aren’t working. I can own up to it. I’ve never been a fan of excuses and lies. But, I’ve come to learn that maturity has nothing to do with age. Throughout this year, I have been humbled by other people’s egos. I have opened my mind more due to other people’s discrimination. I have become more brave by seeing other people’s cowardice. And one day, when people have come to learn from their mistakes, I hope they will be able to take away some good from everything, because I certainly know that I have. 

I’m aware that this was probably very long, but it’s been awhile so I figured it was worth it. I waited for everything to fully sink in and take effect before I began to even think about writing any of this. And enough time has passed that I hope people can look upon the past year with new eyes. To realize the positives and the negatives. To realize mistakes as well as successes. To know what really matters. And to know that you can’t change the past. You can only learn from it, and take that with you into the future. And most importantly, don’t ever let go of the best things in your life. Those will be the people and things that stick by you no matter what. The ones that don’t falter during the hard times. The ones that stay with you through your mistakes. They will always be the most important people in your life. And I will be forever greatful for those people in my life, just as I hope they are forever greatful for the fact that I am in their life.

Another One Bites The Dust…

One more time  . . . for the win!

And I’m back! After months of completely undisturbed happiness, it all comes back. To be honest, it may be different, but the themes are the same and so are the outcomes. And who am I in all this? Let’s just say that I’m going to live up to my reputation, again.

It’s not hard to understand where I’m coming from. At least, ot in my opinion. I’m very simplistic. You fuck with me, I’ll fuck with you. And I say that with sincerity. In the long run, I get what I want. I am a prick. And to be completely honest, I’m worth it. The worth the shit I dish out. To you, it may not seem that way. But to the ones who matter to me, they know. Trust me, they know. And for the record, they are worth it as well.

But it the past couple months of complete contentment, I sort of lost that aspect of me. The aspect of me that needs to fight to survive. The aspect of me that requires me to look a couple moves ahead. The aspect of me that keeps me on my toes. But hey, just like riding a bike… you never forget.

Actually, this post was meant to be about two things. And as for this first part, the lesson learnt is that no matter how much changes in life, I know who I am. And I thank god that I know it can’t be lost.

In one weekend, I saw the life I was suppose to have right in front of my eyes. The life that was destined to be mine, but somehow, I lost it. I’m not sure how, and I don’t want to place blame. But MY life, the one I lost, the one I came to terms with not having, I saw it. And that, my friends, is what I like to call Truth. To me, nothing is truer than moments like that. Nothing humbles you and centers you more than when you hit that moment of clarity. The moment you realize your life, and the fullest it could be me. The moment I say that I am complete.

But it’s not all what it is cracked up to be. Nothing is absolute. Not even Truth. And my Truth did not get handed to me on a silver platter. I struggled. I streined for it. I gave everything for it. And I still do not have it. But I know it exists, and for now, that pacifies me. Calms me. Makes me understand the possibilities and the fact that the world is large enough to know that the Truth does not need to be right in front of your eyes.

And at the same time, I saw the life I do have get bombarded. I saw it become something to be played with. Something tangible. And something not at all permanent. The two events collided. The life I was suppose to have in its ideal form versus the life I have at one of it’s worse. The balance, or lack there of, was enough to tilt me back. Flopped me to the other side of myself, the side that struggles and the side that survives.  And it’s not to say the other side, the one that was completely happy for months, is the opposite. Rather, an alternative that takes into account the whole picture. And that is where I’ll find my balance. It may not be the Truth, but for now I’ll take the balance. The Truth I will struggle for, gladly, in time.

Overall, I can’t say I’m much shocked, at this point, I’ve been through far worse. And I will tell you now, for all of you who are against me, the ones who no longer see me as a friend, you will be even less shocked to learn more people are joining your ranks. Eventually, you can start a club. But me, I’ll be enjoying the balance of complete happiness, and knowing my Truth is out there.

A Misdealt Hand?

OK, so here it goes.

Re-shuffling. Prioritizing. Whatever you want to call it, it doesn’t matter. It’s happening. It isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last.

I guess I shouldn’t jump the gun. I’m not looking for that instantaneous gratification that I so often crave. This is for the long run. The real run at it. For the first time, the real deal. And that kind of gratification is not instantaneous. Rather, it would seem strenuous. But so be it.

What I really want, is not to begin towards my goals, but yet, actually achieve them.  But that’s the hard part, isn’t it?

Normally, when I get this sudden and distinct urge for change, it’s hard to decipher wheither I need to change to fit something, or if things need to change to fit me. That I have yet to find out, but I’m hoping for a balance between the two.

I’ve decided I need to stop being afraid of what I truly want. To strive for simplicity versus complexity.  To distinguish myself from the rest, but yet, not alienate myself.  To go above just knowing what I want, and actually having it.

It’s difficult. I feel like I have all the pieces to the puzzle, they just aren’t in the right places just yet. But I’m so close. I’m so close to seeing the full picture. If only I could just, I don’t know, see it completed.

I need to learn to finish what I’ve started. I need to learn to be patient. I need to learn how to say no (but that’s a different story).

I need to think before I act.

I need to be less stubborn, but yet, still stand by what is true.

However, all these needs. Needing is not something I want. I don’t want to need something. It should not be imperative. Nor necessary. It should be, rather, for lack of a better word, an evolution of sorts. To become the things I need. And not because I need to, but because that is just the normal progression of things.

But can I really compare a ‘need’ for change to an evolution? Am I evolving? In one aspect, I am reacting to certain situations and trying to find the appropriate response in order to survive. Which, sounds dramatic, but I’m just playing this out to see if it makes sense. No one can really view evolution as bad (unless, of course, you are extremely religious and want to believe that science is the epitome of all that is evil and wrong), but yet, change, can have a very negative connotation to it.

Telling someone to change, or changing for someone, these are examples of change being a bad thing. Or at least, changing for the wrong reasons. But if I describe myself as evolving, does it have the same negative connotation? I suppose you could argue that it implies a certain level of becoming better. To mean, to have been less before. Almost, to correct a weakness.

It’s difficult to explain how positive a change can be without implying that there was something negative that sparked the change.

But I digress…

Pioritizing is my goal. Re-shuffling. It’s the same cards, I’m just moving them around a bit. No harm in that, is there?

Nostalgic For The Un-Natural

Once upon a time, I used to have a blog with Livejournal (which, btw, isn’t that hard to find if you are looking, but I don’t suggest it considering it’s highly different nature and tone) and I would divulge absolutely every feeling I ever felt. Needless to say, years have passed by and nothing is the same. I’m feeling nostalgic in this moment and proud of everything that has come out of the past two years since I would frequent that blog. It’s funny to think that the majority of the people I know now have no clue about the person I used to be. It’s interesting to see how determined I was to change.

I used to worry a lot. I used to be sad a lot. I used to procrastinate a lot. I used to be a child. But yet, some of the more important things didn’t change. Which is good. Time has made me realize that those things that didn’t change are what matter most. I’ll state for the record that I do not miss the person I used to be. I’m quite fine with the transformation that has occured. It’s almost unbelievable.

I had detailed every aspect of my lovelife at the time, and going back recently and re-reading what I went through, I just wanted to tell past Kevin that everything is going to be OK. I spent too much time heartbroken and too much time pining for someone that wasn’t worth it. It’s amazing what a couple years time will do to make you realize how foolish you were. And I say this with a smile, because I’m not upset with my foolishness. I find it, enjoyable, in probably some weird sadistic sense. Or is it masochistic? I can never remember which one enjoys inflicting pain and which one enjoys having pain inflicted.

I was desperately searching for a change and for someone to save me. Well, I can definitely say that I found that change, and I found many people to save me. I will be forever greatful for the people that have come into my life and who have made my life what it is now, which is something so far from where it was going once upon a time. I actually feel bad for those who went through it with me, but yet, the two who were really there for me, or still somewhat around, haha which kind of perplexes me. To think, they were with me through the worst times, and are still here. It’s actually amazing. And for that, I actually want to say thank you to someone who deserves a huge thanks. Someone, who might not have been such a big part of the past year, but who is back now. I’ve always called her My Anna (in reference to The O.C. – which, I know, lame, but we were young when we started this, so no judgements) because she has always offered the most wise advice ever. It’s unfortunate what we went through this year. It’s unfortunate that I let some psycho tell me lies about you, and it’s unfortunate that I listened. Because you were always there for me, and I should’ve always been there for you. You may be the only person in the world who has seen the change in me (and you know, in the same sense, I’ve seen the change in you).

I believe the biggest lesson I’ve learnt is to be comfortable with myself and who I am. And the only way I overcame that, was to find people who were like me. To see others go through what I was going through, and seeing how we all came out of it just fine. That, is a change, that was mandatory. Completely necessary. Growing up in a completely negative environment makes it difficult to accept yourself. But now, I live in the most positive environment I could imagine. And I’m glad that I was able to go through this with someone who could understand what it felt like. A person who, through everything, will and will always accept me for who I am. Unconditionally. Which was probably a first for me. And this, is another thing I’ll be forever greatful for. To have a best friend who knows me so well, knows all the good and all the bad, and still, accepts me. He might be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

And everything else played out. Like a movie. Like something scripted. Something someone could have foretold. Friends come and go. Love had and lost. Moments shared and forgotten. This sort of static responce to life’s dynamism is what makes things seem fleeting. It’s what makes the passing pof days seem natural. Change becomes natural. And that’s why, now, these memories of people going through the change with me, seems unnatural. And for that, I am greatful.

Friends In Low Places

It’s an interesting concept to see some of your closest friends became your enemies in the blink of an eye. But I can tell you, ironically enough, it is an eye opener. Some friendships live in bubbles, completely contained and fully untouchable by any outside forces. Some friendships are made to be shared with the world. And some, my friends, were never meant to be. Ideally, we all hope that the latter is never true. No one can ever say that they would want their friend to no longer be their friend. However, some situations just make it impossible for friendship to continue.

In my experiences in friendship, some issues just cannot be resolved, and some issues just take time. Can reconsiliation and forgiveness really be the true testament of a friendship? That I have yet to find out. Anger truly has a stubborn face, and when two people with that same attitude collide, it’s difficult to succumb to the reconciliation, which may or may not be the key to friendship. Who can judge the difference between two best friends who have never fought, and then two best friends who have fought, but have forgiven each other? Should one friendship be valued more than the other?

And in that sense, should any friendship really be valued more than another? Why must we have a best friend, a close friend, a friend, and an acquaintance? And what are the requirements for each? Is it the time spent together? Is it the things they do for each other? Is it how much they have in common? What really distinguishes a person from being an acquaintance versus a best friend?

I’m going to postulate that the main variable that determines where you stand on the friend spectrum, is trust. Clearly, I will trust my best friend more than an acquaintance. Hell, I may have more in common with the acquaintances, but no time soon will I be giving them a key to my house or my pin code. Correct? Trust is definitely one of the main determinants in deciding who are those that are your best friends.

With that in mind, should that mean that if you lose trust in a best friend, they now get booted? Left behind? Forgotten? Can trust really be the only thing that separates those people we know from the people we care about?

Again, I’m going to postulate that no, history is another issue. A lifelong friendship, one worth years of time, should not bve defeated due to a discontinuation of trust. Because history is a bond. It is a connection. It is experiences that were both equally lived through, and those moments cannot be tainted. They exist within themselves, and for themselves. They are not tarnished by fights or anger. They do not waiver through greed and envy. They are the foundation of a friendship.

And therefore, with history, you have something to build on.

This is my current view on friendship. I have seen my best friends become my enemies. I have seen trust fly through the window. I’ve seen anger, sadness, deception, fear, and desperation all rolled into one. I seen lives change. My life has changed.

And out of all this, a new history was built. A new foundation with which to grow on. One filled with support. One that has left me feeling happier than I have ever been in my entire life. One that feels complete.

I can’t say the events of the past few months haven’t been something that I have contemplated from every angle, but what I can say is, regardless of what happened, I am at a place in my life that is fulfilling and wonderful. I have seen some vicious faces, and people I hope to never encounter again. I have seen trust in friendships break for what seems like forever. Irrepairable damage has occured. However, no matter how much damage, the history that was there, should be, and hopefully is, unbreakable.  

Yet, its like finding a broken down, condemned building, and deciding to rebuild it. Is it really worth the time and effort if it collapsed the first time? What if, not one building collapsed, but four all in a row? It’s belief that if that many buildings are crumpling, it might be time to move to a new neighborhood.

And this is why some friendships are contained in a bubble. Because if not, one issue with one friend, can easily turn into a whole group hatred. And as the word spreads, one person’s anger turns into a lot of people’s anger, until eventually, people you don’t know seem to be discussing the details with other people you don’t know. Interesting concept.

I have yet to come to a solution or a conclusion to all this thought. It is merely an attempt to figure out what determines friendship and when it is decided who should and shouldn’t be worthy of it. Losing one friend isn’t the end of the world. However, if you find yourself losing one friend until you hardly have any left, there might be a problem. There might be an opportunity to ask yourself why that is. And then, try to contemplate the reasons why those friendships were over. In most circumstances, in time, they will seem foolish. Because, if the history is there, the waivering of trust will seem foolish.

In the end, respect your friends. Friendship is a privilege. And I mean that in the sense that everyone should feel lucky to have friends, and not that your friends should be lucky to have you. Friendship is mutual. No one can force someone to be their friend. And friendship, is a growth. Therefore, no one friendship should be deemed more important than another. Friendships are not comparable. No friendships are better than another. And if you can understand that, you will no that there is no such thing as a choice between friendships. All friendships should run their course and no one, but the two friends, can decide when it is over.

The Real Me

I think it is about time I start living up to my reputation. I mean, at this point, there is no reason not too. It’s like they say, if the shoe fits, right? The problem is, I don’t think any of you are ready for the person I could be. The person you have made me out to be. However, you have all left me no other option.

So to start: Fuck you. Simply put, fuck all of you. See, I think we are getting to a good start. I am just hoping you can hear the smirk on my face as I say it.

You know, to be honest, things will be much simpler now. I have a reputation to live up to. And god forbid I should try to prove you guys wrong. You guys would hate that more than anything else. If I turned out to actually be a great guy, proving everyone’s perception of me wrong, you guys would be even more upset. So as I said, no other option.

By the way, this me not caring, and not fucking giving a damn about anyone else but myself. I am narcissistic, egotistical, and conceited, and I use this redundancy to prove how much I love myself. And only myself.

I live my life by a couple sayings, that I believe to be true statements about myself. First, ‘if you get to close I’m gonna hurt you”, another being “if it ain’t broke, than break it.” Basically, I’m not satisfied until you have been hurt by me, and the faster I can do it, the better. When things are going good, I will find any way to make sure something goes wrong. I enjoy people’s misery. I like it when other people suffer. Especially, when it is my fault. That, apparently, brings me the greatest happiness.

I am the epitome of an asshole and I could care less.

Yet, although you can all see this in me and you all have made me beleve this is fact, there is something you don’t know about me. I am damn proud about who I am. Through everything, all the hardship, and unfair treatment. I could not be more satisfied with myself. I can see all your lives crumbling before my eyes, which, by the way, it would seem I’m taking the blame for, but yet, my life, is surprisingly undisturbed. And do you know why that is? Because I’ve learnt to love myself. And not a fake version of myself. The real me. And that, my friends, is the best feeling in the world. Not watching the rest of you trying to put your lives together, but realizing that I am an amazing person, to myself.

I am the most loyal person in the world to the people who matter to me. And since the person who matters the most to me is myself, I will, forever and always, be loyal to myself first. This way, when the world looks at me and says I’m an asshole, I can accept it. When I am blamed for other people’s mistakes that I had nothing to do with, I can accept it. When I am treated unfairly because of who I am, I can accept it. And I’ll take it all. If it makes you full better, unload all your crap on to me. Because, I am the villain. I am the one who, apparently it was decided someday, is the enemy. But I can take it, and I’ll even take it with a smile on my face.

My hope is, one day, everyone can just learn to love themselves for who they are, and accept all their faults as well as their good qualities. Be true to yourself, and understand who you are fully. Understand who you are as an individual, and not as part of a group. Understand that we are all human no matter of who we are, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, etc…

No matter how others see you, deep down, you need to know who you are. And that is the greatest advice I can give anyone, and I am just happy that I know who I am. And I love who I am.

So go on, try to shit all over my parade, I dare you. It’ll never work.